Alright

I'm going to stop talking to the girl that I've had a huge crush on since High School she doesn't need a loser like me in her life, I should focus on just getting my life straightened out...I'm so fucking sleepy right now...and I got my friend angry.

I'm a prick...No wonder no one likes me or can't stand me after awhile.

History Repeats Itself

I am terrible at starting conversations, but um my saturday I spent all day thinking about my ex's and how every single one of them is faker than the last which has been funny to think about and I know I should say things like that, but it's true. Now I am thinking about how much of a dull person I am cause I can't hold long conversations with people which makes me sad cause when I really need to talk I have no one to talk to which is cool since I'm not going to pester people into talking to me. Honestly I find it difficult to talk to people cause I usually have lots to talk to about and they usually don't I guess it's just in my personality to talk a lot and now that I think about it I pretty lonely. Mom told me something today that shocked me and the first time she told me I thought she was joking, but she told me again today and I laughed about it yet in the back of my mind I was saying she's serious which hurts me. I kind of want to reactivate my facebook cause I want some interaction with people I know, but in reality I know that I'm expecting too much from people I know lol the people I "know" are all selfish and stupid.


I'm just going to keep it all in and see when will it all come pouring out.

Love in the Cosmos

I have a deep love for the cosmos and by that mean the universe and not the drink. The universe intrigues me I wonder where I fit in and what's my role? I wonder if there is someone out there looking up at the sky and seeing the same think I see. Wonder when I'll met someone, it's been too long I'd like something stable, but I hope she's everything I'm looking for and more.

Next time I'll look up at the sky I'm going to imagine myself looking for that girl's heart cause all I want is a chance who knows I'm probably not worth the time.

I'm hopeless. I'm a lover. I'm a dreamer

Fuck this entry. She'll never see me.

Beam me up Scotty...

And on the 7th Day

Jose did absolutely nothing and he gave not 1 fuck. Netflix is amazing I love it cause it makes my days go by and I miss socializing with people I wanna go 2 weeks without talking to anyone, but I'll probably go 1 I don't know yet. I wish this girl would talk to me, but shes probably just busy so thats ok with surprises me to say cause I would get salty. Maybe this ignoring the world thing is working out for me I wonder what I'll do for another week of solitude?

Even 6th Place are Winners (Fuck That)

I witnessed Chelsea win the Champions League....Fuck that I'm pissed this means that Spurs are out of the CL and are going to play in the Europa for people who don't know Spuds are the club in London that Arsenal are rivals with. I am a supporter of The Mighty Arsenal and too see Chelsea win the Champions League is devastating cause they are the first London Club to win the CL and that glory was Arsenal's, but not anymore and I'm crushed. I wanted to cry and I want to cry cause I'm typing this in, but the gods were on the Blues side and now I have to deal with a team who placed 6th in the Premier League are basically the best team in Europe understand how angry and sad I am.

I'm lonely I wish I would have posted on twitter about the game...I really wanted to go on twitter and tweet about the game, but no I didn't which was hard for me since I always tweet about football. The toughest thing I had to take yesterday was that my friend is hanging out with an Ex gf of mine honestly never thought I would see that happening. I must be a boring person and now I have a stress headache I don't like getting those, but whatever people offer things I can't. Screw it I'll just keep sitting here, without social media my days are fucking  boring damn I'm a loser.

Jose is a sad loser.

RAGE-O Was his name-o

Today has not been a good day. My upload was completely screwed with by youtube and then I lashed out at people I'm just not in a good state of mind. Yesterday I was talking to my ex and I guess she was feeling down and I offered to listen and she completely blew me off that's annoying yo...You said you'd tell me tomorrow I say cool and I wait the entire day and nothing. PLEASE I repeat PLEASE do not tell me your going to do something then completely fucking blow off me being nice. Now going forward to present time, I lashed out at my friend now he won't talk to me I mean I guess bro I been meaning to talk to you, but since you were M.I.A. I didn't want to bother you. I'll let you be dawg I'll just hang out with myself and this blog that lets me vent my frustrations I think I'll go a step further and just stop posting on my twitter for awhile to completely stop my interaction with the world.

Well while typing this I made post on twitter saying I'll post on it whenever I feel up to it probably in a week or 2 I'll be good. I guess I'll say it on here, I'm not happy and I'm tired of hiding behind a smile oh don't confuse this I'm not suicidal I'm just not happy. Also I just want someone to talk to I get sad whenever I have thinking I wanna say, but no one is around to listen so I just talk to myself it helps, but it get old I just some human interaction. My adult life is going to suck well maybe or it will be great shit I have no clue I'm just in a bummed out mood at the moment. Either that or I'm bipolar, honestly I think I might be cause I'm depressed yet I'm having mood swings I'm happy but I'm angry and all this shit...I'm just probably imaging all this. No woman is going to want having me around like this, but who can blame them. Honestly I wish I could hang out with that 1 chick I want to meet and get to know her and possibly get turned down, but I'll be happy cause I did what I wanted to do. My self esteem is weird cause I have it high and low sometimes haha, also going back on topic I'm too weird for this chick also I don't know her so it would be weird of me to ask her to hang out since she has no idea who I am.

I'm sure that I'm not her type at all lol I've only seen 1 picture of her, but not the point I'm sure I'm not her type cause I'm extremely beaner looking and I'm big in the sense that i'm tall and my frame isn't skinny, but i'm not obese. ahaha why am I describing myself this so stupid, Some guys have better luck with woman and some don't and I'm that guy who has no luck with woman cause I'm not what most chicks have in mind. A 6ft Mexican who talks educated and sounds like if he was a white boy. A lot of people tell me that my voice sounds like a white persons and honestly I never understood wtf that ment I mean seriously how does one sound like an white or black person or whatever.

Well yeah I think I got somethings off my chest let's see what tomorrow has in store .__. I'm just going to think about that 1 chick

Time...

There is a nice breeze outside today, I had nothing, but a lot to think about if that even makes sense. I wonder how boring I am? I can never seem to hold a proper conversation most people end a conversation with me quick. I don't know if it's just me, but I think that I'm funny although when it comes to actually being funny yeah...I don't seem to get any response, but not what I wanted to talk about. I was thinking today I wonder if anyone thinks about be during the day I sure this is a common thing of a person to think about well maybe a lonely person haha. I don't let being lonely bother me so much I don't shut down and mope and whatever I just look for an outlet so I can cheer myself up and my blog usually helps even tho I'm sure no one reads this, but oh well ha it's like a personal journal then. I haven't talked to that chick I like which is ok I'm not bummed out or anything I've just been remembering my dreams lately and I've been trying my best to figure out what the might have ment.

As much as it bothers me to wait...I just have to keep waiting, I mean look Jim waited for Pam and that went well for him. Except I'm not a Paper Salesman at Dunder Mifflin :( (I wish I was lol) I need to put out a gameplay video for tomorrow cause I've been limiting myself to an episode a week...All because I am not getting any views I should just keep pushing myself and eventually it will pay off right?

Now that I completed this blog entry thats it for me now I'm going to stay surfing the web and do thing for probably 8 more hours then go to bed. Then repeat the task, no one is ever on skype well no one tend to like talking to me on skype instead haha. Well yeah (smile here) later.

Hello???? Anyone?

My daily routine is...Wake up, play fifa, hang out on the internet and go to sleep then repeat the next day, but during the day I usually spend the day alone. Not having a phone is kind of getting to me cause I just want some communication with someone. I know I sound a bit lonely, but then again I'm the one who chose to be without a phone yet in reality I don't need a phone to talk to someone I just want someone to talk to and by someone that can mean a friend, stranger, male or female.

Lately tho I've been wondering can I be successful in life? Honestly I have no idea what my talents or strengths are I mean I have no idea what I want to do with my life I'm kind of scared that I might not be anything, but become a failure. All this stems from the pressure my parents are putting on me cause they just want me to leave soon and I understand I mean I'm growing older and I need to sprout wings and go, but I'm stuck in a hole cause of things I will not go into. I'm hoping soon I can start doing everything I want to do cause honestly I really want a College Education, but I can't afford that at the moment.


Also parents and siblings love cracking jokes cause I don't have a girlfriend lmao...Honestly I don't think I've been a good bf the last couple of times. I kept a few under raps cause I didn't want things to be public with a few of them. Also I don't think I've been a good bf since Yari left me, but don't think I miss Yari cause I don't I'm just analyzing that I haven't been a good bf which is true cause I honestly did see the break up coming. I gotta keep a calm head and be a good guy like Jim, but honestly not dating for a year has opened my eyes to self discovery I mean it might sound like bullshit, but I don't think it is cause I've felt like I have made a lot of progress in a year and I finally know what kind of person I am.

May sound like complete horse shit, but I think a lot and since I'm home alone a lot I since at home and just ponder things and a whole year of thinking has really helped me. I love you blog and who ever reads this.
I know you listen to this crazy weirdo like me <3

Dammit Eder

Well I was going to blog about feeling happy and probably talk about a woman, but now I'm mad cause my buddy Eder sent me that what what in the butt song lmao suspect ass nigga.  I'm still in a good mood since I'm listening to Gorillaz at the moment and I'm chilling at that Feel Good Inc.

I'll blog tomorrow lmao dammit Eder. Also today was a cool day just what I need to start out the week this  might be a good week.

Joy

Well today was pretty good, I got into arguments with rival football supporters and I talked to the woman I have a crush on which was a bit of a highlight in my mind haha and most of the day I spent it playing Fifa. I live a simple life nothing too special, but I don't let it bother me. I'ma keep this short and sweet cause I'm kind of buzzing over the feeling of liking this woman.

I wonder if I have a shot...

FUCK

YEAH LOOKING FROM WHAT HAPPENED TONIGHT I DON'T THINK I STAND A CHANCE. WELL IT WAS A NICE FEELING WHILE IT LASTED I'M GOING TO MISS IT A LOT.

-END TRANSMISSION

Call me maybe

Today sucked. My buddy asked me if I wanted to hang out with him and his brother and I was totally stoked about hanging out and in reality any time I get to hang out with someone I feel excited. I don't have a brother my age to talk to and enjoy their company and I use my friend's company as if they're a sibling of mine cause in reality I am a very lonely individual. Now back to my story I was excited to hang and I got ready and I kept staring at my clock till it was 10 when I assumed I was going to get picked up, but then time struck 11 and I felt a bit bummed cause I was thinking yeah I don't think I'm going to hang with them, but I still kept a bit of hope. Then time struck 12 at this point I knew I wasn't going anywhere and I felt extremely bummed out and mad, I was mad cause instead of getting a tweet saying bro I don't think we are going to pick you up sorry. I didn't get a notification instead I had to tell myself "no one wants to hang with you" which is true. I don't have anyone to hang with, but my good friend Eddie and he didn't hang with me.

I know I'm 20 and it's bad for me to pity myself, but honestly I'm only human and I'm going to feel sad and pity myself. Well now I deactivated my facebook cause I'm a huge failure with women all the women who liked me either ignore me or told me off. All I was looking for was companionship I just want someone to talk to and laugh don't get me wrong I love having sex which was what most of these women wanted and I was going to give them the D, but they ignored me. So I said fuck this I don't need to keep paying attention to you bitches kiss my ass. I'm too nice for my own good and I don't give a shit enough to care which is even more of a problem now I hate confessing things to women and then they use it as leverage against you I mean what kind of shit is that? I just wanna meet a nice girl, but it's difficult since I don't own a phone which all women love gabbing on the phone, but I have a computer tho and all the women on Livejasmin seem to love me <3. Slowly I'm maturing more and more everyday cause I'm realizing a lot of things that the women I know are doing is childish and I don't need that kind of behavior or actions in my life.

For the first time in a year I felt the feeling of having a crush and I like it O_O I've felt more alive and it's something to look forward to if anything ever sparks between me and this woman who will remain nameless also I find it funny how I developed a crush on her this fast. Why do I have a crush on her? It's because I didn't know there are women who act like total dorks aren't lying about it. The only thing I hate is that I keep telling myself I don't have a chance in hell in reality I actually don't, but in my head I do and just typing this all up my heart feels ticklish and excited. I am not very attractive from what I've seen in the mirror this woman is way out of my league if I looked like my buddy Eddie I'd probably have a shot, but I don't and also I'm a loser I have no job and I don't go to college so why would any women in their right mind give me a shot? I wish I were in college, but I know my future is bright and that my time to shine is in the near future so I have that glimmer of hope. I know the woman I like will never read this so I at least have a shot, but if she ever finds this blog I am screwed also I think she's just being nice to me in reality I'm not her type probably.

I have a healthy crush, it's given me a reason to greet the morning and smile just by thinking of her lol this still sounds creepy oh well.

Better to have

I've never been much for pitying myself, but lately I've been on the shitty luck spree and when it comes to women they sure do love messing with me. So every girl that had a crush on me won't give me the time of day which is cool, I guess it was only a matter of time. I hate fact I've been told lately that I NEED a gf I mean seriously why do I need one I'm not in the frame to have one and then deal with my own life. I'm tried of all the talking that I need one or that I need to go and converse with women to get my feet in the water, but blah blah fuck off. I'm sick of the pushing and nagging I just want to live a normal simple life I mean I am only 20 the fuck do I need a gf for and don't state the stupid fact of sex cause your a moron if you mentioned that to yourself. I'm sociable so talking to a chick isn't difficult, I just don't feel like doing anything I want to focus on myself I just want this commentator thing to work out and hopefully soon I can enroll in college I want to be someone in life. Then again who doesn't want to become someone in life.

I don't wanna ramble so I'll get down to the basics...I'm sad, lonely and women keep fucking with my emotions, but um I'll just put on the straight face I've been putting on since 8 months ago...Every time I get out of a relationship I immediately jump into another I'm seriously that worst person to be in a relationship with. Anyways I'm sad as shit and I decided to blog cause I don't talk to anyone on how I feel I keep everything bottled up, but yeah 

1 Step Closer

Lately I have felt very anxious and a bit psychotic...I blame my nerves and my anxiety certain points during the day I get overwhelming feelings of anxiety than make me pace around my room and I start knock things over and panic. I don't know why I get these sudden feelings I have had walking and trying to get away from my usual routines, but nothing has helped to be honest this has gotten bad to the point I couldn't make any commentary vids. I've just been under a lot of pressure and my anxiety hasn't been helping me when I get an anxiety attack I close my eyes and I try controlling my breathing. Honestly I'm a very private person I don't like putting my stuff out there for the world to see, but I think I might just level with my blog and just post what I can't express to others...I mean I know me typing this on my blog people will be able to see it, but no one really knows me so I shouldn't give a fuck which is good I'm guessing. I haven't felt like myself in a long time maybe 3 or 4 years now I always thought it was the feeling of being loved, but I've dated and fucked my good share of chicks so I don't know if I'm trying to fill a void or I just don't give a flying fuck.

Whenever I am on facebook I search for a certain female and then I go to her profile and then click message, I type the message and then I never send it I just sit there with the message typed up and ready to go instead I erase the message and then the next day I type the same thing and then never send it. I'm not scared of her or anything it's just that she's ignored me for about almost a year and I don't know why especially after she confessed to me that she wanted a relationship with me wither it was a sexual one or emotional I don't know. So lately I haven't cared much for being nice to the opposite sex I call them whores, cunts, sluts, bitches and anything else you can think of cause I don't care for being the nice guy oh and a certain chick I know has been pestering me to give her some dick. She's been chasing after me since my junior year of high school and I've been almost 3 years out of high school and she still hasn't given up which is crazy to say the least also she hit me up yesterday. She wanted to go and fuck her, but I turned her down (insert your rage and any stupid comments here) Fuck off I said, "No" cause I felt like playing it cool and ignoring her I mean the ball is in my court and I'm trying to manipulate her.

This brandy sucks, but also rum is a good.

*sips rum* I wonder what I'll say about this post tomorrow...I'm impaired so I think typing all this shit is a good idea, but sober and clear thought me will probably be annoyed due to the fact I typed out most of this shit. If you read this will good for you. Laugh if you want or sympathize with me.

I wonder what time I'll sleep around tonight

WEEKEND WARRIOR

So it's Saturday and I have done nothing, but play Fifa and watch That 70's Show and I only slept 2 hours today which is a normal and I feel great now I either have to find something to do tonight or I'll just stay at home and just watch Netflix. I wish I had more to talk about, but honestly my mind is drawing a blank on anything and my train of thought is so far off the rail road I'll probably have more to type about later or tomorrow.
Till later...In the mean time I'll leave you with this.

I hope someone gets my

Message in a bottle...I've been listening to 80's classics all day and most of The Police songs have been stuck in my head which has been awesome, but um today was a simple and hot day I had to deal with a lot of drama that didn't belong to me. Helping people that have relationship problems sucks cause first of all I don't want to deal with their shit and second they yell to much which is extremely annoying, but yeah today was normal as every single day. I took my brother to school then I got home and watched Fifa Live Streams which is usually the highlight of any day now tomorrow I should record some Fifa game play so I can post on Thursday I also cracked 800 Views which was awesome. I'm not sure if I should ask for help from big fifa channels or I should try on my own to get subscribers and owe no one nothing if I ever become a bigger commentator in the community if you know what I mean. I just hope I can entertain people cause that is always my main goal I mean when I watch peoples commentaries I feel entertained and I know that's exactly what commentator's want from their viewers .

So I ended up getting distracted from writing this blog post cause I ended up playing fifa and I lost my train of thought lmao so I'll end my post here tell tomorrow.

Why must I neglect my blog

I hate the fact that I usually neglect it...I hate my facebook cause most of the people who I know irl are complete morons and it ends up transitioning onto facebook and I have to read all the stupid nonsense and I hate that. I usually keep in contact with a few people from high school and 1 chick I actually had a crush on the 10th Grade still talks to me and the funny thing is she broke up with he ex bf, but she liked the idea of me being there to listen to her. We would flirt, I'd cheer her up and we actually went on a date yet for some odd reason she ignored me and I'm not going to sit here and act clueless the chick used me as an emotional crutch which is fine cause it doesn't bother me. I ended up spazzing on facebook cause I don't like the people I know and honestly I would tell them any day of the week that I hate them right to there faces, but I don't hang out with them so facebook is close enough. I pretty much pissed off a ton of people which was fine with me yet it got to the point where women I would talk to no longer talked to me and I actually ended up getting some nasty hate msgs which were funny to read due to the fact some of these people can spell to save their life.

So now moving forward I actually got my HDPVR like a month ago and I've been recording Fifa 12 Commentary it's tough cause when I need to record footage, render a HD copy of the footage, then edit the footage into less than 10 mins of footage then I render that. Then I have to record the commentary and then I must go back and fix the audio and add it to my footage then I have to render another video, but this time it is the final copy which I upload to my youtube channel. I only have 5 Subscribers and a combined 791 views on my videos. I'm a small channel and I know being a known commentator in the Fifa Community is going to extremely tough I just feel a bit down when I don't see more likes on my video of positive comments or some criticism which will help me out. I don't want to whore my channel out for subs or likes I just want a mini fan base I want people to look forward to enjoying my commentaries, I want to entertain people who enjoy this and ultimately I make myself proud. I do my commentaries cause I enjoy it and this is something I would very much love to do I'm absolutely passionate about this cause I'm spending my money on doing this. I need to work harder and never lose focus cause I sometimes get lazy, but then again we all get a bit lazy at times.

I guess I'm just bummed out cause I wish I had some fans or at least more people to talk about Fifa with cause I'm an extremely nerdy person and I love having a great chat about playing Fifa, but honestly I rarely have fifa talks with anyone. I don't know if I talk a lot or if I'm annoying which is a problem cause I'd be fine with being 1 of those things rather than be both of those things. I'll leave my recent commentary posted under all this. If you watch it thank you and enjoy.
P.S. I'm going to blog more I really have a lot to get off my chest

Cool Story Bro

Well this year started off lonely all these fucking women are tripping and them wanting to have a "friend" is not a role I'ma stick around to be praised for, I'm not about that life which is a cool story, but then again who cares. All my friends are enjoying the relationship life and I'm saying cheers to em, but I wonder what 2012 has in store for me I mean 2011 all I was doing was holding relationships honestly all I wanna do is being single and enjoy my life. Then again life seems to throw us curve balls and maybe 3 months from now I'll be in a relationship I doubt it, but hey shit happens then again I don't much, but chilling. Then all my EXs are getting on my last fucking nerve I should really channel my angry into something more productive then let this bitches get on my nerves.

All for now since all I'm doing is listening to Nirvana