Love in the Cosmos

I have a deep love for the cosmos and by that mean the universe and not the drink. The universe intrigues me I wonder where I fit in and what's my role? I wonder if there is someone out there looking up at the sky and seeing the same think I see. Wonder when I'll met someone, it's been too long I'd like something stable, but I hope she's everything I'm looking for and more.

Next time I'll look up at the sky I'm going to imagine myself looking for that girl's heart cause all I want is a chance who knows I'm probably not worth the time.

I'm hopeless. I'm a lover. I'm a dreamer

Fuck this entry. She'll never see me.

Beam me up Scotty...

And on the 7th Day

Jose did absolutely nothing and he gave not 1 fuck. Netflix is amazing I love it cause it makes my days go by and I miss socializing with people I wanna go 2 weeks without talking to anyone, but I'll probably go 1 I don't know yet. I wish this girl would talk to me, but shes probably just busy so thats ok with surprises me to say cause I would get salty. Maybe this ignoring the world thing is working out for me I wonder what I'll do for another week of solitude?

Even 6th Place are Winners (Fuck That)

I witnessed Chelsea win the Champions League....Fuck that I'm pissed this means that Spurs are out of the CL and are going to play in the Europa for people who don't know Spuds are the club in London that Arsenal are rivals with. I am a supporter of The Mighty Arsenal and too see Chelsea win the Champions League is devastating cause they are the first London Club to win the CL and that glory was Arsenal's, but not anymore and I'm crushed. I wanted to cry and I want to cry cause I'm typing this in, but the gods were on the Blues side and now I have to deal with a team who placed 6th in the Premier League are basically the best team in Europe understand how angry and sad I am.

I'm lonely I wish I would have posted on twitter about the game...I really wanted to go on twitter and tweet about the game, but no I didn't which was hard for me since I always tweet about football. The toughest thing I had to take yesterday was that my friend is hanging out with an Ex gf of mine honestly never thought I would see that happening. I must be a boring person and now I have a stress headache I don't like getting those, but whatever people offer things I can't. Screw it I'll just keep sitting here, without social media my days are fucking  boring damn I'm a loser.

Jose is a sad loser.

RAGE-O Was his name-o

Today has not been a good day. My upload was completely screwed with by youtube and then I lashed out at people I'm just not in a good state of mind. Yesterday I was talking to my ex and I guess she was feeling down and I offered to listen and she completely blew me off that's annoying yo...You said you'd tell me tomorrow I say cool and I wait the entire day and nothing. PLEASE I repeat PLEASE do not tell me your going to do something then completely fucking blow off me being nice. Now going forward to present time, I lashed out at my friend now he won't talk to me I mean I guess bro I been meaning to talk to you, but since you were M.I.A. I didn't want to bother you. I'll let you be dawg I'll just hang out with myself and this blog that lets me vent my frustrations I think I'll go a step further and just stop posting on my twitter for awhile to completely stop my interaction with the world.

Well while typing this I made post on twitter saying I'll post on it whenever I feel up to it probably in a week or 2 I'll be good. I guess I'll say it on here, I'm not happy and I'm tired of hiding behind a smile oh don't confuse this I'm not suicidal I'm just not happy. Also I just want someone to talk to I get sad whenever I have thinking I wanna say, but no one is around to listen so I just talk to myself it helps, but it get old I just some human interaction. My adult life is going to suck well maybe or it will be great shit I have no clue I'm just in a bummed out mood at the moment. Either that or I'm bipolar, honestly I think I might be cause I'm depressed yet I'm having mood swings I'm happy but I'm angry and all this shit...I'm just probably imaging all this. No woman is going to want having me around like this, but who can blame them. Honestly I wish I could hang out with that 1 chick I want to meet and get to know her and possibly get turned down, but I'll be happy cause I did what I wanted to do. My self esteem is weird cause I have it high and low sometimes haha, also going back on topic I'm too weird for this chick also I don't know her so it would be weird of me to ask her to hang out since she has no idea who I am.

I'm sure that I'm not her type at all lol I've only seen 1 picture of her, but not the point I'm sure I'm not her type cause I'm extremely beaner looking and I'm big in the sense that i'm tall and my frame isn't skinny, but i'm not obese. ahaha why am I describing myself this so stupid, Some guys have better luck with woman and some don't and I'm that guy who has no luck with woman cause I'm not what most chicks have in mind. A 6ft Mexican who talks educated and sounds like if he was a white boy. A lot of people tell me that my voice sounds like a white persons and honestly I never understood wtf that ment I mean seriously how does one sound like an white or black person or whatever.

Well yeah I think I got somethings off my chest let's see what tomorrow has in store .__. I'm just going to think about that 1 chick

Time...

There is a nice breeze outside today, I had nothing, but a lot to think about if that even makes sense. I wonder how boring I am? I can never seem to hold a proper conversation most people end a conversation with me quick. I don't know if it's just me, but I think that I'm funny although when it comes to actually being funny yeah...I don't seem to get any response, but not what I wanted to talk about. I was thinking today I wonder if anyone thinks about be during the day I sure this is a common thing of a person to think about well maybe a lonely person haha. I don't let being lonely bother me so much I don't shut down and mope and whatever I just look for an outlet so I can cheer myself up and my blog usually helps even tho I'm sure no one reads this, but oh well ha it's like a personal journal then. I haven't talked to that chick I like which is ok I'm not bummed out or anything I've just been remembering my dreams lately and I've been trying my best to figure out what the might have ment.

As much as it bothers me to wait...I just have to keep waiting, I mean look Jim waited for Pam and that went well for him. Except I'm not a Paper Salesman at Dunder Mifflin :( (I wish I was lol) I need to put out a gameplay video for tomorrow cause I've been limiting myself to an episode a week...All because I am not getting any views I should just keep pushing myself and eventually it will pay off right?

Now that I completed this blog entry thats it for me now I'm going to stay surfing the web and do thing for probably 8 more hours then go to bed. Then repeat the task, no one is ever on skype well no one tend to like talking to me on skype instead haha. Well yeah (smile here) later.

Hello???? Anyone?

My daily routine is...Wake up, play fifa, hang out on the internet and go to sleep then repeat the next day, but during the day I usually spend the day alone. Not having a phone is kind of getting to me cause I just want some communication with someone. I know I sound a bit lonely, but then again I'm the one who chose to be without a phone yet in reality I don't need a phone to talk to someone I just want someone to talk to and by someone that can mean a friend, stranger, male or female.

Lately tho I've been wondering can I be successful in life? Honestly I have no idea what my talents or strengths are I mean I have no idea what I want to do with my life I'm kind of scared that I might not be anything, but become a failure. All this stems from the pressure my parents are putting on me cause they just want me to leave soon and I understand I mean I'm growing older and I need to sprout wings and go, but I'm stuck in a hole cause of things I will not go into. I'm hoping soon I can start doing everything I want to do cause honestly I really want a College Education, but I can't afford that at the moment.


Also parents and siblings love cracking jokes cause I don't have a girlfriend lmao...Honestly I don't think I've been a good bf the last couple of times. I kept a few under raps cause I didn't want things to be public with a few of them. Also I don't think I've been a good bf since Yari left me, but don't think I miss Yari cause I don't I'm just analyzing that I haven't been a good bf which is true cause I honestly did see the break up coming. I gotta keep a calm head and be a good guy like Jim, but honestly not dating for a year has opened my eyes to self discovery I mean it might sound like bullshit, but I don't think it is cause I've felt like I have made a lot of progress in a year and I finally know what kind of person I am.

May sound like complete horse shit, but I think a lot and since I'm home alone a lot I since at home and just ponder things and a whole year of thinking has really helped me. I love you blog and who ever reads this.
I know you listen to this crazy weirdo like me <3

Dammit Eder

Well I was going to blog about feeling happy and probably talk about a woman, but now I'm mad cause my buddy Eder sent me that what what in the butt song lmao suspect ass nigga.  I'm still in a good mood since I'm listening to Gorillaz at the moment and I'm chilling at that Feel Good Inc.

I'll blog tomorrow lmao dammit Eder. Also today was a cool day just what I need to start out the week this  might be a good week.

Joy

Well today was pretty good, I got into arguments with rival football supporters and I talked to the woman I have a crush on which was a bit of a highlight in my mind haha and most of the day I spent it playing Fifa. I live a simple life nothing too special, but I don't let it bother me. I'ma keep this short and sweet cause I'm kind of buzzing over the feeling of liking this woman.

I wonder if I have a shot...

FUCK

YEAH LOOKING FROM WHAT HAPPENED TONIGHT I DON'T THINK I STAND A CHANCE. WELL IT WAS A NICE FEELING WHILE IT LASTED I'M GOING TO MISS IT A LOT.

-END TRANSMISSION

Call me maybe

Today sucked. My buddy asked me if I wanted to hang out with him and his brother and I was totally stoked about hanging out and in reality any time I get to hang out with someone I feel excited. I don't have a brother my age to talk to and enjoy their company and I use my friend's company as if they're a sibling of mine cause in reality I am a very lonely individual. Now back to my story I was excited to hang and I got ready and I kept staring at my clock till it was 10 when I assumed I was going to get picked up, but then time struck 11 and I felt a bit bummed cause I was thinking yeah I don't think I'm going to hang with them, but I still kept a bit of hope. Then time struck 12 at this point I knew I wasn't going anywhere and I felt extremely bummed out and mad, I was mad cause instead of getting a tweet saying bro I don't think we are going to pick you up sorry. I didn't get a notification instead I had to tell myself "no one wants to hang with you" which is true. I don't have anyone to hang with, but my good friend Eddie and he didn't hang with me.

I know I'm 20 and it's bad for me to pity myself, but honestly I'm only human and I'm going to feel sad and pity myself. Well now I deactivated my facebook cause I'm a huge failure with women all the women who liked me either ignore me or told me off. All I was looking for was companionship I just want someone to talk to and laugh don't get me wrong I love having sex which was what most of these women wanted and I was going to give them the D, but they ignored me. So I said fuck this I don't need to keep paying attention to you bitches kiss my ass. I'm too nice for my own good and I don't give a shit enough to care which is even more of a problem now I hate confessing things to women and then they use it as leverage against you I mean what kind of shit is that? I just wanna meet a nice girl, but it's difficult since I don't own a phone which all women love gabbing on the phone, but I have a computer tho and all the women on Livejasmin seem to love me <3. Slowly I'm maturing more and more everyday cause I'm realizing a lot of things that the women I know are doing is childish and I don't need that kind of behavior or actions in my life.

For the first time in a year I felt the feeling of having a crush and I like it O_O I've felt more alive and it's something to look forward to if anything ever sparks between me and this woman who will remain nameless also I find it funny how I developed a crush on her this fast. Why do I have a crush on her? It's because I didn't know there are women who act like total dorks aren't lying about it. The only thing I hate is that I keep telling myself I don't have a chance in hell in reality I actually don't, but in my head I do and just typing this all up my heart feels ticklish and excited. I am not very attractive from what I've seen in the mirror this woman is way out of my league if I looked like my buddy Eddie I'd probably have a shot, but I don't and also I'm a loser I have no job and I don't go to college so why would any women in their right mind give me a shot? I wish I were in college, but I know my future is bright and that my time to shine is in the near future so I have that glimmer of hope. I know the woman I like will never read this so I at least have a shot, but if she ever finds this blog I am screwed also I think she's just being nice to me in reality I'm not her type probably.

I have a healthy crush, it's given me a reason to greet the morning and smile just by thinking of her lol this still sounds creepy oh well.