Hello???? Anyone?

My daily routine is...Wake up, play fifa, hang out on the internet and go to sleep then repeat the next day, but during the day I usually spend the day alone. Not having a phone is kind of getting to me cause I just want some communication with someone. I know I sound a bit lonely, but then again I'm the one who chose to be without a phone yet in reality I don't need a phone to talk to someone I just want someone to talk to and by someone that can mean a friend, stranger, male or female.

Lately tho I've been wondering can I be successful in life? Honestly I have no idea what my talents or strengths are I mean I have no idea what I want to do with my life I'm kind of scared that I might not be anything, but become a failure. All this stems from the pressure my parents are putting on me cause they just want me to leave soon and I understand I mean I'm growing older and I need to sprout wings and go, but I'm stuck in a hole cause of things I will not go into. I'm hoping soon I can start doing everything I want to do cause honestly I really want a College Education, but I can't afford that at the moment.


Also parents and siblings love cracking jokes cause I don't have a girlfriend lmao...Honestly I don't think I've been a good bf the last couple of times. I kept a few under raps cause I didn't want things to be public with a few of them. Also I don't think I've been a good bf since Yari left me, but don't think I miss Yari cause I don't I'm just analyzing that I haven't been a good bf which is true cause I honestly did see the break up coming. I gotta keep a calm head and be a good guy like Jim, but honestly not dating for a year has opened my eyes to self discovery I mean it might sound like bullshit, but I don't think it is cause I've felt like I have made a lot of progress in a year and I finally know what kind of person I am.

May sound like complete horse shit, but I think a lot and since I'm home alone a lot I since at home and just ponder things and a whole year of thinking has really helped me. I love you blog and who ever reads this.
I know you listen to this crazy weirdo like me <3

Dammit Eder

Well I was going to blog about feeling happy and probably talk about a woman, but now I'm mad cause my buddy Eder sent me that what what in the butt song lmao suspect ass nigga.  I'm still in a good mood since I'm listening to Gorillaz at the moment and I'm chilling at that Feel Good Inc.

I'll blog tomorrow lmao dammit Eder. Also today was a cool day just what I need to start out the week this  might be a good week.

Joy

Well today was pretty good, I got into arguments with rival football supporters and I talked to the woman I have a crush on which was a bit of a highlight in my mind haha and most of the day I spent it playing Fifa. I live a simple life nothing too special, but I don't let it bother me. I'ma keep this short and sweet cause I'm kind of buzzing over the feeling of liking this woman.

I wonder if I have a shot...

FUCK

YEAH LOOKING FROM WHAT HAPPENED TONIGHT I DON'T THINK I STAND A CHANCE. WELL IT WAS A NICE FEELING WHILE IT LASTED I'M GOING TO MISS IT A LOT.

-END TRANSMISSION

Call me maybe

Today sucked. My buddy asked me if I wanted to hang out with him and his brother and I was totally stoked about hanging out and in reality any time I get to hang out with someone I feel excited. I don't have a brother my age to talk to and enjoy their company and I use my friend's company as if they're a sibling of mine cause in reality I am a very lonely individual. Now back to my story I was excited to hang and I got ready and I kept staring at my clock till it was 10 when I assumed I was going to get picked up, but then time struck 11 and I felt a bit bummed cause I was thinking yeah I don't think I'm going to hang with them, but I still kept a bit of hope. Then time struck 12 at this point I knew I wasn't going anywhere and I felt extremely bummed out and mad, I was mad cause instead of getting a tweet saying bro I don't think we are going to pick you up sorry. I didn't get a notification instead I had to tell myself "no one wants to hang with you" which is true. I don't have anyone to hang with, but my good friend Eddie and he didn't hang with me.

I know I'm 20 and it's bad for me to pity myself, but honestly I'm only human and I'm going to feel sad and pity myself. Well now I deactivated my facebook cause I'm a huge failure with women all the women who liked me either ignore me or told me off. All I was looking for was companionship I just want someone to talk to and laugh don't get me wrong I love having sex which was what most of these women wanted and I was going to give them the D, but they ignored me. So I said fuck this I don't need to keep paying attention to you bitches kiss my ass. I'm too nice for my own good and I don't give a shit enough to care which is even more of a problem now I hate confessing things to women and then they use it as leverage against you I mean what kind of shit is that? I just wanna meet a nice girl, but it's difficult since I don't own a phone which all women love gabbing on the phone, but I have a computer tho and all the women on Livejasmin seem to love me <3. Slowly I'm maturing more and more everyday cause I'm realizing a lot of things that the women I know are doing is childish and I don't need that kind of behavior or actions in my life.

For the first time in a year I felt the feeling of having a crush and I like it O_O I've felt more alive and it's something to look forward to if anything ever sparks between me and this woman who will remain nameless also I find it funny how I developed a crush on her this fast. Why do I have a crush on her? It's because I didn't know there are women who act like total dorks aren't lying about it. The only thing I hate is that I keep telling myself I don't have a chance in hell in reality I actually don't, but in my head I do and just typing this all up my heart feels ticklish and excited. I am not very attractive from what I've seen in the mirror this woman is way out of my league if I looked like my buddy Eddie I'd probably have a shot, but I don't and also I'm a loser I have no job and I don't go to college so why would any women in their right mind give me a shot? I wish I were in college, but I know my future is bright and that my time to shine is in the near future so I have that glimmer of hope. I know the woman I like will never read this so I at least have a shot, but if she ever finds this blog I am screwed also I think she's just being nice to me in reality I'm not her type probably.

I have a healthy crush, it's given me a reason to greet the morning and smile just by thinking of her lol this still sounds creepy oh well.

Better to have

I've never been much for pitying myself, but lately I've been on the shitty luck spree and when it comes to women they sure do love messing with me. So every girl that had a crush on me won't give me the time of day which is cool, I guess it was only a matter of time. I hate fact I've been told lately that I NEED a gf I mean seriously why do I need one I'm not in the frame to have one and then deal with my own life. I'm tried of all the talking that I need one or that I need to go and converse with women to get my feet in the water, but blah blah fuck off. I'm sick of the pushing and nagging I just want to live a normal simple life I mean I am only 20 the fuck do I need a gf for and don't state the stupid fact of sex cause your a moron if you mentioned that to yourself. I'm sociable so talking to a chick isn't difficult, I just don't feel like doing anything I want to focus on myself I just want this commentator thing to work out and hopefully soon I can enroll in college I want to be someone in life. Then again who doesn't want to become someone in life.

I don't wanna ramble so I'll get down to the basics...I'm sad, lonely and women keep fucking with my emotions, but um I'll just put on the straight face I've been putting on since 8 months ago...Every time I get out of a relationship I immediately jump into another I'm seriously that worst person to be in a relationship with. Anyways I'm sad as shit and I decided to blog cause I don't talk to anyone on how I feel I keep everything bottled up, but yeah 

1 Step Closer

Lately I have felt very anxious and a bit psychotic...I blame my nerves and my anxiety certain points during the day I get overwhelming feelings of anxiety than make me pace around my room and I start knock things over and panic. I don't know why I get these sudden feelings I have had walking and trying to get away from my usual routines, but nothing has helped to be honest this has gotten bad to the point I couldn't make any commentary vids. I've just been under a lot of pressure and my anxiety hasn't been helping me when I get an anxiety attack I close my eyes and I try controlling my breathing. Honestly I'm a very private person I don't like putting my stuff out there for the world to see, but I think I might just level with my blog and just post what I can't express to others...I mean I know me typing this on my blog people will be able to see it, but no one really knows me so I shouldn't give a fuck which is good I'm guessing. I haven't felt like myself in a long time maybe 3 or 4 years now I always thought it was the feeling of being loved, but I've dated and fucked my good share of chicks so I don't know if I'm trying to fill a void or I just don't give a flying fuck.

Whenever I am on facebook I search for a certain female and then I go to her profile and then click message, I type the message and then I never send it I just sit there with the message typed up and ready to go instead I erase the message and then the next day I type the same thing and then never send it. I'm not scared of her or anything it's just that she's ignored me for about almost a year and I don't know why especially after she confessed to me that she wanted a relationship with me wither it was a sexual one or emotional I don't know. So lately I haven't cared much for being nice to the opposite sex I call them whores, cunts, sluts, bitches and anything else you can think of cause I don't care for being the nice guy oh and a certain chick I know has been pestering me to give her some dick. She's been chasing after me since my junior year of high school and I've been almost 3 years out of high school and she still hasn't given up which is crazy to say the least also she hit me up yesterday. She wanted to go and fuck her, but I turned her down (insert your rage and any stupid comments here) Fuck off I said, "No" cause I felt like playing it cool and ignoring her I mean the ball is in my court and I'm trying to manipulate her.

This brandy sucks, but also rum is a good.

*sips rum* I wonder what I'll say about this post tomorrow...I'm impaired so I think typing all this shit is a good idea, but sober and clear thought me will probably be annoyed due to the fact I typed out most of this shit. If you read this will good for you. Laugh if you want or sympathize with me.

I wonder what time I'll sleep around tonight